I decided one day that I would write down exactly what I am thinking in my head. You know, all those thoughts that run through your head when you’re in the shower, getting dressed, travelling to work ect. These thoughts are private and make us who we are. Some people speak aloud their thoughts, which is fine. I have chosen to write mine down to study my own behaviour and maybe learn a thing or two about myself.
The idea arose when I tried to write down everything I was eating, I ended up getting a little carried away with my thoughts. Here is my first attempt at my thoughts in words. Actually my first time at writing anything. All comments welcome.
So far today, I have had a cup of coffee. When I was sweetening it up a little like I do every morning I noticed the amount of sugar equivalent on chart which is printed on everything we buy nowadays. One sweetener is equal to one sugar cube which is contains 4.4g of sugar. Normally, I use 4 sweeteners in my coffee I know it’s really bad but today I only used one. I need to get used to it, luckily I only have one cup per day.
I have 4 slices of bread with liver pate, 1 banana, some grapes and a can of cola light to take to work. I will find out the nutrition detail of the pate, I guess it’s probably not very healthy? It is lovely though, on that really dark wholemeal bread with the crusts cut off… Sorry, I got a little carried away there.
Normally at work I indulge in a sneaky chocolate bar at work, Today i will try not to. I need to ditch the soft drinks too. At home we already have, We drink diluting orange and raspberry. Ok it’s not exactly good for you either but it got to be better than drinking cola?
I always like to have some cash on me wherever I go, I don’t know why? I just feel a bit more secure with the jingle in my pocket. Well let the truth be told, I actually had it for a chocolate bar and another cola light in the afternoon.
There will be a collection today for a woman from another department who just had a baby, I have met her a few times but she always looks really angry so I try not to make too much eye contact when we cross paths.
Anyway, I know exactly how much money I have in my pocket. I have 1 euro and seventy cents. Two fifty cents, two twenties and three tens. A chocolate bar costs 80 cents and the cola light is 90 cents. It’s not a coincidence I have the exact money, i have been doing this for years. I mean you don’t get a shape like mine for nothing. Round is a shape isn’t it? I normally go for a little wander around the warehouse at 3 o’clock, Eventually passing the vending machine to make my purchase.
The collector comes along, It’s the guy from the shipping department with the pony tail that wears the star trek t-shirts and cowboy boots, he doesn’t normally talk to anyone out with his circle of trust. He explains the reason for the collection for the fifth time since walking through the office, You can almost feel the enthusiasm oozing out of him
I counted the coins in my pocket with just my hands, separating them into different pockets trying not to look shifty. I’m sure I am not the only person doing this? I put a fifty in each of the front pockets, the twenties in the backs, a ten in each hand and the other in my johnny pocket. I don’t mind sacrificing the cola if my guilt takes over but I am not giving up the chocolate bar at any cost!
But… as I expected the guilt took over and two ten-cent coins disappear through the rough rectangular hole in the cardboard box with the word ‘donations’ written in pick highlighter pen. I paused for a second, I’m wondering if he write that himself or if one the girls from the department wrote it? Anyway, He presented the card to be signed, I asked if mother and baby were doing good? (She’s a little older than me. I think she is in her mid 40). The baby was born 2 weeks ago and is doing great but the mother is still in hospital as there were some complications, Again the guilty feeling runs through me, I reach into the front right pocket and grab a fifty cent coin then into the back left for a twenty and push them into the box, The cola light has been sacrificed.
I hand back the card and the pony tail guy moves onto the next victim whom I overhear saying that he has no money on him yet signs the card anyway. I think, Does he feel guilty for not giving a donation? The guilt feeling rushes through me again. I reached into the front left pocket for the fifty, the back right for the twenty and finally I scoop the remaining ten-cent coin from my johnny pocket and push them into the darkness. There goes the chocolate bar, and so the mission begins. I can’t do anything to prepare myself, I just need to believe where there’s a will there’s a way.
It’s half past three and I’m getting restless, by belly is telling me it’s missing something. It’s a good thing I’m holding no currency.
I went for a walk like I always do, through the warehouse and back through the canteen where the vending machines are luring. I’m getting close, close enough to see that there are new chocolate bars on C24. I stop teasing myself, collect my ‘sugar free’ water from the dispenser. I know this is going to be a struggle.
When I quit smoking in October 2010 I kept a box with one cigarette in my bag for two months, Just in case! I don’t know why but it seemed to help, knowing that I could have one whenever I wanted. I managed to fight the urge every time.
I am now facing the same struggle only with chocolate. I know I cant keep a chocolate bar in my bag for two months, I will eat it. just in case it goes out of date and that would be a waste. I need to come up with another solution to over come the sugar demands from my body.